Iris Haim, the mother of Yotam Haim, who was kidnapped to Gaza and killed in the tragic incident in which IDF soldiers accidentally shot three hostages who were trying to escape from Hamas captivity, spoke to Arutz Sheva-Israel National News about the emotional roller coaster she experienced during the seven days of mourning [known in Hebrew as the seven days of Shiva] after her son's death, about her hope for unity and the difficult feelings vis-à-vis the Hostages and Missing Persons Families Forum. Iris talks about the Shiva, about her surprise with the large number of Israelis who came from all over the country, and from every sector, to comfort her. "I didn't expect it. I knew that Shiva allows people to forget and not to be preoccupied with their great pain. We buried Yotam on Monday and asked people to start coming on Tuesday. At 10:00 a.m. I opened the front door to our house and saw that 500 people were waiting for me downstairs. The whole street was full of people. I was shocked. I did not understand what was happening. People started coming from all over the country. People I don't know, and everyone's message was, first of all, to thank me and my husband for being able to be full of optimism and hope throughout the seventy days, for our outlook on life, and for our ability to remain happy even after such a devastating event." During the Shiva, people came from all over the country, even from many places that Iris had never visited. They marked the places from which the comforters came with pins on a large map. "Today, I have a big map at home with lots of pins. I felt like I was getting an enormous hug, but I wasn't the only one who got this hug. Mothers of soldiers and families came to hug us and share and be together. There is nothing like this anywhere else in the world." Regarding the way her statement was received in the days before the tragedy, Iris expresses great appreciation, on the one hand, and anger on the part of the protestors who attacked the government's conduct. Iris says that she knows how these words were understood by those who received them and is not concerned with the others. However, she notes that she was surprised when she heard about the demonstrations. "I said ‘why protest against the government that is taking action’? The fact is that they went out to war, and soldiers are fighting and are getting killed. We, mothers of the soldiers and mothers of the hostages, are together in this war. My son’s blood is not worth more than the blood of their son, who is going to battle and be killed. This way, I articulated the fact that I am part of them." "The Families Forum defined the situation as if we, the families, are in the center and everyone is around us. I say no. We are all one chain of people who are part of the people of Israel and the State of Israel. There are the dead, and there are also the murdered, and it was difficult for me to accept that we, the families of the hostages, are at the center of this. So, I made the first video for mothers, noting that there were voices around her who claimed that the government was not doing enough, while she actually felt enveloped by the various official bodies, whether it was the National Insurance Institute or the IDF. Iris talks about the meeting between the families and the cabinet members after she returned from a visit to Australia, where she felt she could influence decision-makers in the international arena: “I was invited to the cabinet meeting, and there I was outraged. I had entered a war zone, where the war involved an attack on my country against the Prime Minister, the Defense Minister, Benny Gantz, Gadi Eisenkot, people who I am convinced come to do and actually do. These are the people who brought back 110 hostages. People came there to give testimonies, shocking things that I didn't want to hear because these were testimonies from their own perspective. Maybe my son doesn't feel that way, so why should I listen? Don't put things into my mind that I don't want to hear." Iris’s son's death in the tragic incident did not make her angry. Anger is not the main emotion that she expresses, she says. "It is not something that arises in me as a reaction to any event. Anything can cause anger, but it is not a useful emotion for me. I feel disappointment, sadness, great pain and a missed opportunity, especially when I look at the photographs and the pain is very great. But these feelings do not express themselves as anger, which also means blaming. When I blame someone else, I am giving them the reins to be the one who is in control of my feelings. Then, I am not responsible for my own feelings, but someone else is. So, if Netanyahu or someone else is to blame, it means that they will also be responsible for my feelings. I will not give that to anyone. I am the only one who will influence myself and I will be the one to choose how to feel. The whole journey of those seventy days involved a choice. At every moment, I chose not to be a victim of the situation," she says and emphasizes that it is a skill that can be developed, enabling one to shake off the feeling of victimization and transfer the responsibility to ourselves; in other words, to empower ourselves and give ourselves strength.” Iris says that her husband was the first one to talk to the Minister of Defense and hear actual details about the serious incident in which her son was killed. She herself was not able to talk to the minister, while her husband spoke to him, was updated on the specifics of the incident, and said that he understood what happened and was not angry. "As people who are part of the Jewish People, we carry our story from the day the nation was born. All those who are part of the Jewish People have other strengths within them. A person who fights for his people and country, like my husband, who was a soldier in the tanks corps and fought in the Lebanon War, knows what a soldier feels like when something like this happens. He also understands that this is not just our story. There is also the soldier who shot Yotam. He also has a life; he is also a human being. This is my ability to look beyond my own child who was hurt because the soldier who shot him was also hurt. What about his mother, who knows that he was hurt? How does she sleep at night? It's the ability to see beyond the specific event to something more inclusive and understand that we are at war for our physical existence, but also for our existence as a united people." On the messages she conveyed to the company of soldiers who shot at the three hostages, including her son, Iris says that she passed on an initial message that was intended for the soldiers only. But then she heard a rumor that the media was blaming these soldiers and that interviewees had been invited to the studio to foster this accusation that would create greater anger towards them. "I told myself that if this is the situation, I must give the other side of the story, and I released a message to the media that turned viral in Israel and the world and was translated into every language, including Chinese. I was happy to share my hope with everyone that there is another way to see things. There are different ways to choose to see things. The way I see things protects me and enables me to see lights on the way, like the lights of our People, and the good that I receive on the way." "My message about life is not that reality is now black and in two years I will come out of the black into the light, but that there is black and there is light in the middle of it. Throughout those seventy days, my message was to continue to see light even when my son was in a tunnel; to choose between the light and the tunnel requires hard work," she adds. And what about the days after the war and the feeling that all that unity that characterized the first weeks of the war is fading away and a real struggle is needed to preserve it? "On October 7th, each one of us was locked in a ‘misconception’ that divided us and blocked us in our own positions. I personally was afraid that they were going to turn me into an haredi woman with a long dress who would not be permitted to turn on a phone or television on Saturday and that my son would not be able to walk down the street with his partner. There was an element of incitement, part of it in the media, and today I see how the media takes things, removes the divisive elements, and puts them out into cyberspace." In such a reality, Iris says, "the media has to be very selective and think about where its message is landing, who is hearing it and whether it divides or unites." "I also appeal to every person who can hear us. We generally live on auto-pilot and tend to stick with the familiar and resist anything new. During the days of the Shiva, a rabbi came to visit me from Jerusalem. He had heard about the case and came to thank me. He told me that he had two sons who had enlisted in the IDF and asked me for a blessing. I almost fainted. That I would be asked to give a blessing to a rabbi? Who am I? Two different worlds had come closer, and I was very happy about that. I really want to keep this up. I don't care if you have or don't have a kippah [religious head covering] on your head, where you came from, and where you live. I want to know that it is possible to get closer by giving up on something that we held before October 7th." "I'm ready to give up on many things, but I want others to give up on things too. Then we can really get closer to each other. Everyone will do stock-taking of what they're willing to give up on so that we can live here together," she says, stating that when you want to, you can succeed in anything. We can recognize the divisive factors among us as those who are perpetuating anger and act accordingly. Iris regards the term 'Bibist' [affiliated to Prime Minister Benjamin Bibi Netanyahu], which different people have been described as, including herself, despite her left-wing opinions, only because she claimed that the government should be trusted, as an expression of bigotry. "When you say Bibist, you are referring to people who are not interested in anything but Bibi. This is a level of fanaticism. I believe in some unity and security that I want to have, even if this government does not deserve to be trusted because of the mistakes that it made, mistakes that I am aware of. But as long as there is no other government, I believe in this one. I'm in favor of replacing the government, but only after the war is over. As long as soldiers are dying, it is a mistake to continue with the demonstrations and throw mud at those who are in charge. Right now, this is not appropriate behavior." Iris Haim adds that her meetings with many people give her greater strength, and she believes that her son Yotam is also being strengthened "because he knows that he has a family that speaks in such a way, as well as a nation that is sending hope and prayers, that the government and the people care for us. We receive many messages of caring and encouragement. I feel very good here and want to be here. We can do wonderful things here, but it takes each and every one of us to share in the work. He did not die in vain, but we are not going to magically change everyone in one day."