What has not yet been said about the marriage crisis that exists in Jewish-religious society? Various causes have been cited for the fact that too many men and women who wish to be married are not, including Western values, modern society, over-choosiness, mis-matched potential partner pools, poor dating skills, the choice of education before marriage, and many more.
Among the proliferation of books, articles, seminars and more that offer to help individual singles improve their spouse-finding skills and chances, the following five methods have been suggested as societal solutions. Far from exhaustive, the list is meant to foster discussion and action.
1. Community shabbatonim
(Based on an article written by Jewish communal volunteer activist Michael Feldstein)
Hold singles Shabbatonim not as a weekend hotel event with dozens and dozens of singles - but rather in a Jewish community with an active synagogue, and with activities and meals integrated with the community. Singles are divided up into groups of six - three males and three females - for Shabbat meals, which are held at host families' homes. This makes for a much more natural and less pressurized environment for singles to meet and mingle. The singles also participate in Sabbath prayers with the community, and participate in the rabbi's class and the Third Meal. In addition to cost benefits and other advantages, singles increase their networking opportunities by interacting with members of the community.
2. Lowering Marriage Age
Some leading Religious-Zionist Torah scholars in Israel have called for the lowering of the age of marriage. Rabbi Yehoshua Shapira, head of the increasingly popular Yeshivat Ramat Gan, recommends that boys marry before the age of 22, while Rabbi Eliezer Melamed - Yeshiva dean, community rabbi, Halakhic [Jewish legal] decisor, and facilitator of singles events - has recommended that young girls pass up the accepted year or two of post-high school national service in order to be able to marry earlier.
3. Paying the Matchmakers
One initiative started when hundreds of religious-Zionist singles signed a letter last year to their leading rabbis and other prominent figures, asking for the institution of a new/old practice of paying matchmakers.
"The problem of the growing number of singles is well-known," the letter states. "One of its causes is that we rely almost totally on favors; we hope our friends and relatives will offer us shidduchim. But as it turns out, even something as important as this, if it is dependent only on good-will and favors, doesn't work so well... It is surprising and sad to hear that not a few young men and women of the religious-Zionist public reach the age of 30 and barely even receive any offers of potential matches."
"There is one solution that we have been afraid to adopt, but which works well in the hareidi-religious sector. That is, to pay the shadchan (matchmaker). Some may fear commercializing and cheapening such a sensitive issue, but upon sincere examination of the issue, the conclusion will be that the benefits far outweigh the losses. The idea is to create a mechanism by which to encourage those who can do the job well to do it faster, sooner, and more efficiently."
Specifically, the letter stipulates a hefty 2,500 shekels [currently worth over $700] as the price to be paid by each side for a successful match.
Rabbi Melamed said he believes it's a good idea: "Making a shidduch is not an easy task. It means being involved at various stages, and sometimes people are hurt in various ways - causing matchmakers to give up and leave it to others... A payment would definitely encourage the good people to remain in the business."
Rabbi Melamed said, however, that the sum of 2,500 shekels might be too high for many, and should rather be linked somehow to the entire cost of the wedding.
4. The $20 Offer
Chananya Weissman, founder of endthemadness.org, quoting his friend Zevi Adler, suggests that when "proposing a match between two singles, the shadchan (matchmaker) says, 'I am so confident that this is someone you should meet that I am giving you $20 to help pay for the date. If you decide to see this person again, give me back the $20. If you ultimately marry this person, then pay me $2,000.'”
Advantages:
- The relationship between the single and the shadchan becomes a partnership infused with professionalism and mutual respect, instead of shadchan-single condescension.
- Once the shadchan has proven that s/he has carefully researched his/her suggestion, and is willing to put money on it, it will be reasonable to expect singles to invest their own time, money, and energy on the suggestion.
- It is a wise investment for the shadchan, who will save time and effort in having to persuade singles to go out on the date. After all, the single will say to himself, “If the shadchan is willing to take a chance, then I’ll take a chance on it, too.” More dates will result, the shadchan's success rate will increase, and the investment will pay for itself many times over.
- Shadchanim who are truly serious about their work will have no qualms about investing in their ideas, just as businessmen do on a regular basis. Those who are even marginally successful will not lose - they will get their money back - and are likely to be amply rewarded; those whose suggestions are rarely accepted for even a second date will go out of business, to everyone's advantage.
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin of Efrat writes that though separate-sex seating at a wedding ceremony is halakhically indicated, it can be inferred from Maimonides' ruling that mixed seating at a wedding feast is permitted. "There is another positive aspect to mixed seating at weddings," Rabbi Riskin concludes. "There are often many young single men and women, friends of the bride and groom, who, by sitting together, may meet and which could lead to more weddings, with G-d's help... It goes without saying that there must be a complete separation between men and women during the dancing."
Rabbi Aaron Rakefet of Jerusalem has similarly been quoted as saying that those who eat Sabbath meals in mixed company should celebrate their weddings the same way. He cites the "revered Rabbi Yosef Breuer" as saying that "young people should sit together at weddings [because] mitzvah goreret mitzvah [the fulfillment of one commandment leads to the fulfillment of another]. We want people to make shiduchim [matches]. We want boys and girls to meet. We want dates to come out of this [wedding]."
(This article is largely based on articles previously published on IsraelNationalNews.com; "new" talkbacks begin with number 94.)