Acquiring a wife?
"A woman is purchased in three ways," states the first Mishna in Tractate Kiddushin. Sitting in the Talmud class and listening to these words, the urge to raise my hand and question this unusual choice of words to describe marriage was compelling. I failed to comprehend why the most important relationship in one’s life would be viewed as a mere purchase. Property is bought, objects are purchased, and even slaves are acquired - but your cherished wife? Bought? Acquired? I couldn't understand why the whole class wasn't waving their hands wildly and challenging this technical halakhic term for marriage.
The word kiddushin for marriage is fitting. One's wife is kodesh, sacred and designated for you, as you are for her. Why is a wife equated with other objects that are purchased like chicken soup and cows? Was I intimidated into silence? Well… yes. I held my peace and went onto the next lesson.
In any event, the Mishna says that one of the ways in which a wife is acquired is via kesef, i.e., money or its equivalent value. You give your future wife money or an object with at least a perutah’s value (a very small amount of money), and poof, she is yours. Pretty good deal for a perutah! How do we know that kesef can be used to acquire a wife? The Gemara derives this ruling hermeneutically from verses describing our patriarch Abraham's purchase of Me'arat HaMachpela, the Machpela Cave in Hevron. When Abraham purchased the burial ground, he bought it with silver currency, showing that purchases of all types can be accomplished through the transfer of money.
At the time it puzzled me why the Torah would use the same term for buying both a wife and a burial ground. Yet there as well, I used my better judgment, did not raise controversial issues, and just went with the flow. I filed the question away in the back of my mind and did not give it much thought - until a few years ago.
In 2007 my wife and I came for an extended pilot trip to Israel. One of the highlights was our visit to the Machpelah Cave. We went to the burial site of our Forefathers to pour out our hearts and beseech the A-lmighty to bless our decision to make Aliyah. But our prayers were interrupted. It happened because the Cave is divided into two sections, Jewish and Muslim. Every few hours, a contingent of heavily armed IDF soldiers would pass through the Jewish section, escorting an Arab worshiper to the Muslim side.
I was deeply immersed in prayer during one of these escorts when suddenly, I heard someone yelling. It was a Jewish man from Kiryat Arba, shouting at the escorted Arab with intensity and anger.
I did not understand everything he said, as I had not yet taken Ulpan [Hebrew classes], but I imagine that they were not fit for print in any event. My first reaction was a form of trauma. The scene shook me up, broke my serene focused spiritual introspection, and left me in shock over what I had just experienced. It was incredibly upsetting. I could not understand why it happened and why this Jew screamed and reacted the way he did to the Arab's presence.
On the way home, I felt like I couldn't get this event out of my head. It was very troubling, and marred what was otherwise an uplifting and highly spiritual event. Finally, I began to think: Why did this Jew scream at the Arab? There were other Jews present who also saw him passing through the Jewish section, and yet they continued to pray without reacting to him.
Then I thought to myself: Why didn't I say something? Why was I silent when this Arab trespassed on the burial place of my Patriarchs? Finally, I realized the difference: I was just a visitor. I was on a pilot trip. But for the other Jew, this sacred land was his. He felt that this Arab was trespassing on his land.
It was his connection to the land and its holiness that triggered his saying: "How dare you? How dare you come into my land, my city, my home?" It was because he viewed the Machpela Cave as his own that led him to feel as if he was personally assaulted..
This realization made me feel very humble as I had not felt his passion and intensity for Eretz Yisrael. I was willing to tolerate an intruder's presence and continue to find refuge in my own inner world.
My mind returned to my Mishna class. The voice of my rebbe reading aloud the first Mishna in Kiddushin and the permission to use kesef to acquire a wife now took on new meaning. If one would see a passerby attacked, he might or might not get involved. But if the victim was someone familiar, the chances are higher that the onlooker would do something to help. And if it was a family member, it would be even more likely. If someone were to attack your wife, not necessarily physically, what would you do? Would you stand by and do nothing with her honor at risk? Would you let her fend for herself?
The answer is, it all depends on how connected you are to your wife. If you view your wife as a completely separate person, you would probably act differently than if you feel that the two of you are one, in which case your response to a threat upon her would be identical to your response to an assault on you yourself. This is the concept of kinyan, acquisition. Acquisition means ownership and possession. It mandates you to act in your own self-interest, for one's connection towards himself and that which is part of him is greater than any other relationship. Thus "acquiring" a wife is to make the two of you one and inseparable.
Where is the concept of acquisition one's wife learned from? From Abraham's purchase of Ephron's field for a burial place for his wife. Abraham bought the land using kesef. He didn't want to bury Sarah in any place other than a plot that he owned, one that was his. Because of his connection with Sarah as his wife, he ensured that she be interred in property that he owned, so that the connection between him and his wife would continue for eternity! The act of kinyan that he made on the field of Ephron kept Avraham and his beloved wife, who was also acquired via the act of kinyan, connected for eternity!
This lesson in marriage was taught to me by the Jew from Kiryat Arba who was so greatly upset by an Arab walking through the Machpelah Cave. He is married to Eretz Yisrael – and he answered my questions as to why the Torah equates marriage with buying a burial plot, and why a woman is purchased.
To learn more about Rabbi Brody's work, visit <www.cybercounselingcenter.com>.